Smile when you find me Again'
by narrizan
Summary: A deep abiding friendship lasts a lifetime. Not many are so blessed. Modern day AU. . I can't satisfactorily pick the pairings I want, but it is Kanda/Lavi, plus brief mentions of everyone.
1. Chapter 1

Prologue

"What do you think you're doing you imbecile?" Kanda really wants to shout and thump furiously on the door with the flat of his palm. He merely gives way to thinking it furiously in capitals. Grief tears at him and he wants to break something but pragmatism stops him. "Open UP!" He growls – although again he does want to yell. He raises his hand to rap roughly – when he really does want to bang at the door.

"If I could I would kill him." The toneless voice greets him, and the man who comes to the door has only dead eyes. "If I could, I would turn back time and I should have killed him the first time I saw him," is the emphatic declaration.

"You can't and you didn't." With a huge effort he points this out gently, "and I am glad you didn't."

"How dare they – he," the man wants to finish but sputters softly into the quiet, "do this to me?" He seems that he cannot go on. All the 'oomph' goes out of him and he sinks slowly back into the corner of the sofa he was brooding in.

:¬:¬:¬:

"Yuu – "a soft tentative voice comes from without. With a start, Kanda remembers the others outside.

"Uh, yeah come on in you guys."

"I'll go make some tea," Bak Chang heads towards the kitchen.

"I'll watch him," Alma offers and pointing up, "you go and do what you need to do."

:¬:¬:¬:

He confers with Miranda and receives instructions, and further instructions to call her if the need arises. She is still jittery around him, even after all this time, but she has come to terms with his idiosyncrasies and he her foibles to have an understanding of sorts. Especially here and under the circumstances he appreciates her presence more than he is willing to say really, but he has an inkling that she knows, by the firm touch of her hand over his and the soft, "All will be well, I know it."

"I've tidied up around a bit," She says in an attempt at lightheartedness. "All her things are in the drawers and everything that you might need are labeled." She indicates the storage tidies atop the chest.

"Thanks so much Miranda," Kanda waves her off, "go, go home. You're needed there too."

"Ahahaha," she laughs demurely behind her hand, "I doubt so. They're probably hoping I will stay away longer, so I don't nag at them too much."

"I bet their dad is the worst of them," Kanda states succinctly.

"Still, you're right, I'll head off home," she smiles at him stressing to call her anytime. "She's sleeping now, and should sleep till about four in the afternoon."

Kanda exhales long and gathers himself, willing for some inner peace and strength. He treads lightly to the cot and watches over the sleeping child briefly before just as silently as he can leaving the room to go downstairs, to deal with, in his eyes the bigger child.

* * *

Author's Note:

The story is inspired by a series of prompts ganked from fictionisthefactdottumblrdotcom 35 ways to say I love you. Except I wen't off on a tangent with it. I hope someone out there enjoys it anyway. Happy May Day - Love - Zan

The prompts

As a hello

With a hoarse voice, under the blankets

A scream

Over a cup of tea

Over a beer bottle

On a sunny Tuesday afternoon, the late sunlight glowing in your hair

As a thank you

As an apology

When baking chocolate chip cookies

Not said to me

With a shuddering gasp

When we lay together on the fresh spring grass

In a letter

A whisper in the ear

Loud, so everyone can hear

Over and over again, till it's nothing but a senseless babble

When the broken glass litters the floor

From very far away

With no space left between us

As we huddle together, the storm raging outside

Over your shoulder

Muffled, from the other side of the door

Through a song

Without really meaning it

In a blissful sigh as you fall asleep

Broken, as you clutch the sleeve of my jacket and beg me not to leave

With a taunt, with one eyebrow raised and a grin bubbling at your lips

When I am dead

Slowly, the words dripping from your tongue like honey

Too quick, mumbled into your scarf

In awe, the first time you realised it

In a way I can't return

On a post-it note

Before we jump

As a goodbye


	2. Chapter 2

Some time ago, too long to remember but not easy to forget ...

Part 1

Kanda had been called in to the principal's office for some transgression or another – exactly what it was he cannot remember – but he remembers everything else. He is sullen because of being hauled up in front of class; he recalls exiting the room, with thunder in his ears (on his face) and probably murder in his eyes too then someone merrily crashing into him, whistling of all things. Who whistles going in to see the principal? That 'Hello'.

"Hello," the laughing voice trills lightly into apology. "Ohmygosh, I'm sorry-Ididn'thinkanyonewasinthere," came out all in a breathless rush. "Hello, I'm new, and oh gosh I'm truly sorry."

Kanda eyes the other boy sourly and with suspicion. That 'Hello' still rankles and the apology is meaningless to him. The suspicion deepens when the boy holds out his hand in offer of a handshake. He takes note of the red hair. It isn't ginger, but red, the red of autumn leaves shot with gold. The eye-patch whispers of some kind of mystery, he must be trouble if he's already lost an eye at such an age. The other is tall, just only slightly taller than him, and gangly – all arms and legs. He looks with disdain at the proffered hand.

"Get lost" he grinds out and pushes brusquely past, bumping shoulders as he goes off out into the school hallway.

"Never mind, I'm sure we'll catch up later," echoes after him, the boy still laughing, in surprise maybe Kanda doesn't know, and doesn't want to find out.

:~:~:~:

A year later and they become friends (in the odd way) Lavi latches himself onto Kanda whenever the chance presents itself. Odd that Kanda does his best to ensure that those chances do not occur, but things always conspire against him and thus Lavi finds him – all the time it seems; like tonight.

It is the weekend and Lavi is at Kanda's for a sleepover. The weather is good and the boys want – or rather it is Lavi's suggestion – to catch fireflies. Tiedoll, Kanda's stepfather thinks it is a grand idea, and from out of nowhere provides a tent and sets them up outside in the vast expanse of their back garden, just by the elm trees. They have torches, snacks, pillows and blankets.

It must be near midnight; they each have a jar of fireflies, inside the tent, under the blankets, their faces softly glowing from the dim luminescence of the insects and from exchanging ghostly stories and laughing slowly diffusing to nonsense sleepy talk their voices are hoarse. In fact Kanda is very nearly asleep, and it's Lavi that at last slips away.

"Yuu – I'm glad we're friends," the redhead mutters almost asleep. "I've no real parents and you're the only one who understands." He slowly breathes out into sleep at last, "the only one who gets me."

:~:~:~:

"YUu!" Lavi's scream is loud, long and petering into breathlessness at the end. "You're fucking crazy!"

Kanda had watched Lavi peer over the edge, as everyone had gone over already, he watched his friend swallow twice before declaring that it was sheer lunacy to jump. Kanda knows that Lavi is about to launch into some lengthy explanation of force, motion, acceleration and weight, but decides that they're doing this together or not at all. Stretching his arms out, Kanda grabs and holds very tightly to Lavi's waist; because with the two of them at the same time their lives might just depend on Kanda holding on and not letting go because Lavi will have been right about the physics part. He jumps, and their faces press into each other's necks; instinct makes Lavi encircle his arms round his insane friend's shoulders foregoing prayer for the involuntary shriek of fear.

The water is cool on their warm skin and when they break to the surface after the plunge, they're sputtering and Lavi is still in hysterics. Kanda looks (in as much as he can while treading water) askance his head tilts at an angle and like it is the first time he is actually seeing Lavi.

:~:~:~:

Some years later Lavi is a bunch of nerves and absentmindedly accepts the cup of tea that Kanda puts into his hand.

"Yes I will help you." Kanda is unprepared for the grip like a vice. He cannot pull away.

"You will?" His friend is earnest and pleading. "Really you will? You'll put in a good word for me?"

"It isn't like I really have to," Kanda aims to reassure.

"How d'ya knows, you know?"

"Just shut up and drink your tea idiot!"

"Oh Yu-u. You are totally the best friend anyone could ever have," and it is no less earnest than the pleading in the breath before.

:~:~:~:

"Yuu, Yuu- Yuu…" Lavi is crying, laughing, again hysterical, but it's all nervousness and happiness and who knows what other '-nesses' there might be. "I'm a happy drunk." He sings at his friend.

"Yup, sh-oo drun-ck!" Kanda agrees. His vision is blurry and everything thing has a halo-like glow at the edges. He thinks they might be in a playground and in the sandbox. The evening is tranquil and the stars sprinkle across the night sky like diamond dust. He hopes that Allen is taking care of Alma and that everyone else is already indoors ready for the wedding in two days. His duty as best man is just to make sure that nothing untoward happens to the groom and that he actually makes it to the altar in good time.

Still, it is two (no scratch that), it must be nearly the next day so, yeah, one day to the wedding. That's enough to sleep the hangover off, aided with a greasy-spoon breakfast, lots of water with some Berocca added to the water, and coffee; lots of it – strong and black.

"Yuu, Yuu- Yuu... we'll still be best friends yeah?" Lavi promptly passes out onto the sand, beer bottle rolling away from his slack fingers.

:~:~:~:

The wedding happens on a Tuesday in a little church hall just outside of town. The ceremony is simple but elegant, because Lavi accedes to his bride's every wish – he is also not as stupid people make him out to be and he does want to live a good long life with his Lena-lady, plus she does have that scary brother. Komui whimpers through it all, only being slightly outdone by Tiedoll sniffing into his hanky. Kanda thinks that the old man should be used to it by now, having been through this with Daisya and Miranda some years earlier.

Lavi interrupts his thoughts, fidgety – even now. "You have it right?" Kanda nods at him and taps his chest pocket. "What if she's late?" 'She won't' Kanda mouths back in silence. "What if she trips up and falls over?"

"She won't, she'll be on time, and she'll be beautiful and for the last time will you SHUT UP YOU IDIOTIC RABBIT!" A hush falls over the family and friends sitting on the white garden chairs adorned with simple posies. Perhaps that last is not as whispered as Kanda wanted it to be. He elbows the groom hard in the side.

A collective gasp fills the air; Lavi looks up enchanted; Kanda misses Lenalee's big entrance because he is watching his best friend, and inexplicably feels like any father must feel, like Komui must be feeling, watching a dear one go out of their life into another's. Lavi's voice echoes in his head 'we'll still be best friends yeah?'

The late afternoon sunlight filters through the chapel's stained glass windows, dappling the far wall in pale blues and lilacs. Lavi's hair gleams, from being just washed and brushed to within an inch of its life by Alma not a few hours ago; handsome in his butterfly-collar, waistcoat and cummerbund and flaxen-coloured rose in his buttonhole. The look on his face is a blithe mix of joy and seriousness, and Kanda thinks he will miss the face, because his friend isn't his alone anymore. When he hears the low timbre declaring 'I do' Kanda catches the small shy smile the groom shares with his new wife, and Kanda thinks that maybe his heart twists a little, and drops in an odd way that he cannot quite put his finger on.

:~:~:~:

Part 2

The guests file away and start making their way for the high tea reception they are holding at Allen's place. Strictly speaking it is not Allen's place but it belongs to a bunch of his relatives. They're really rich and have a mansion, although one supposes if you have a clan, a house full of people; aunts, uncles, cousins-once-twice-or-thrice removed, and the house has been in the family for generations, they're reasonably well-off, but that's an aside really. Lavi finds Kanda, and he goes stiff as a board when Lavi hugs him hard, a moment running high with emotion "Thanks Yuu, I really couldn't have done this without you." That is what Kanda puts it down to.

Everyone who is staying, drift off to say goodnight, Tiedoll makes his getaway, driving off with Daisya and Miranda – their excuse being the children. Komui wants to stay, but is persuaded to retire to his quarters for the night, for he really is emotionally drained. Around the fireplace of what must have once been a large drawing room, no less impressive now, the only people left are the newly-weds, Kanda and Alma, Allen is sitting between Tyki Mikk (Uncle, cousin?) and Road.

The company speaks in hushed tones and everyone is sleepy and tired, but it's Lena's fault now they're surrounded by a veritable sea of wrapping paper, string and ribbons. She had said earlier, she just wanted to open one- to look at. That led on, to another, and another, and Lena being the organizer she is, makes Lavi conscientiously write in a guestbook, what-from-whom-from-where. So that eventually he can sign off on 'Thank You' cards that she's written. He loves her for that – in the long list of reasons he loves her and Kanda knows this as a matter of fact because he was there when the list was penned. The reasons that Lavi had pleaded with Kanda for helping his friend pursue courtship with the girl.

There is chinaware, a complete silver service, a couple of irons, and several bottles of very nice wine from Allen's guardian. This elicits a groan from their friend, grousing under his breath about debts still left to pay. There are still a few left to open, and everything is tasteful and not over the top, when there is a burst of giggles.

Everyone stops to stare when Lenalee holds up a rather translucent negligee and knickers set. Even Kanda blinks owlish at them, then decides he might need brain bleach. Lavi carries on writing what-from-who-from-where. In this case he jots down fuzzy-cami-knickers from Lulubell from 'La Senza'. Road starts to ask "Tyk-ki..?" and her uncle answers swift and curt, an emphatic 'No'. Allen has the decency to blush a little at least. The nearest that Kanda comes up with to describe the sound that Alma makes is a giggle-snort.

At last they find the slim long box in brown paper and simply tied with string. Lavi pounces on this before Lenalee can reach for it.

"Sorry Lena-lady, this one I'll open because I know it's from Yuu." He pulls to undo the string and carefully un-wraps the box.

Nestling in the box are a pair of Waterman Carene Red fountain pens. The high-gloss cherry red lacquer finish and the sleek metal catches the light; Lavi mouths a silent appreciative 'O' and eyes Kanda and silently mouths 'Thanks'.

Kanda returns him a beatific smile. It is a wedding and emotions are high and Komui does not get the monopoly on the warm fuzzies just because he *IS* Kanda.

:~:~:~:

It is several months later, and Lavi is in the doghouse. In this case the doghouse is Kanda's and Alma's place, so it's a nice kennel. Lavi sleeps on the couch.

"I'm not sure what it was about really. One minute it was about the clothes on the floor and then I don't know how or what it just kind of exploded"

"You're an idiot you know that?"

"Don't you and Alma ever fight? I mean, you and me, we fight and argue all the time."

"Yes because you're an idiot, and I…" and Kanda stops to think, "I … don't know."

"Kanda and I tussle sometimes, but you two are just stupid – and won't give in either way and then it just goes away until something else comes up." Alma puts in helpfully. "That's how it's always been since day one. Face it you're a pair of idiots."

"Wanna know what I'd suggest?" Kanda and Lavi give the tousle-haired man twin looks of incredulity. "Just call her and apologise. When you get home throw yourself onto the floor and apologise – she'd like that I think, when you get into bed at night you… "

"STOP!" – Blasts at Alma in Sensurround sound. "Well you get the picture – just apologise ok?"

"Ok," Lavi is sheepish, but still cheeky, "but hey can I just kip here the night though, we can watch a movie and eat popcorn yeah, I'll go home in the morning like a good boy I promise."

It's later that night and Alma said goodnight an hour ago, it's just Kanda and Lavi, shoulder to shoulder on the couch. The redhead is still the taller of the two so he puts his head down on Kanda's shoulder and mumbles apologies for being troublesome and bringing his domestic problems to Kanda's doorstep. He says to say sorry to Alma for him too.

"Don't worry he knows you're an idiot too," Kanda says to him as he tucks a blanket over his errant friend on the couch, like a child needing assurance and pats Lavi goodnight on the head, "It's all going to be ok?"

:~:~:~:

It's the weekend after and they're in the Bookman's kitchen baking cookies. Chocolate chip to be precise, and Kanda vocally makes his displeasure known because he does not like sweet things. The compromise is that Alma will make cheese and cranberry scones after, so will he please shut up. Lenalee is giving instructions like some four-star general, and Lavi is laughing and generally being an unhelpful pest.

His hands are covered in cookie mix and he's touching everyone on their noses shouting 'I love you!" at random, and 'I love Yuu' to him and Kanda, as he does innumerably during any given day, thinks that Lavi is the biggest idiot he knows.

:~:~:~:

It's one of those times that Kanda comes to pick his friend up on his way home from work. Lenalee has errands to run today so she's got the car, and he's weak to the Rabbit's pleading. His excuse is that he gives in just to shut the man up. He's waiting for Lavi to finish, the door to his office slightly ajar and he catches the end of a conversation.

"Yes, I'll remember to pick up the milk. MH mm – I love you too." Lavi waves him in as he hangs up. "Just let me tidy up a bit and

we can go."

"No rush."

"Ah, you don't mind we make a stop for milk on the way home. Thanks so much."

:~:~:~:

Part 3

"Oh my god. OH MY GOD!" Lavi is shuddering breathlessly into his phone

"Lavi, are you ok?" Kanda worries, he makes to grab his keys in readiness to go to his friend. "Breathe mate, is Lena with you?"

"It's Lena,"

"Lavi is everything ok, what on earth is going on - D..d-do you need me to come over?" Kanda's voice pitches in panic.

"No, no" Lavi sounds like he might be calming down. "No, no I… I think she… we... might be pregnant." Kanda sees rather than hears Lavi sliding down, collapsing in on himself on the bathroom floor. "I found a pregnancy test strip in the bathroom bin."

:~:~:~:

Lavi eventually does calm down, and comes round to the idea of being a father. He does have moments when he freaks out and panics, but most of the time he's good. Lenalee though; she really is one of those 'textbook' 'growing and glowing' pregnancies. Although Kanda supposes it is Lenalee after all, and hey who says you can't have the perfect pregnancy. Lenalee is brilliant at it. She's all smiles, healthy, no morning sickness, no feet swelling or patchy skin on the face. Kanda's seen it second hand because Miranda and Daisya have two, and remembers the nausea that poor woman went through.

It's a balmy spring day, daffodils and bluebells are pushing up buds all ready for flowering and the couple is through the second trimester already. He and Alma are round because Lavi is supposed to be mowing the lawn, and he did do it already, except that Kanda is not sure why he needs not one or two pairs of extra hands.

"No, no reason, we haven't hung out in a while and Lena's gone off to a baby shower thing her friends have organized."

They make short work of raking the mown grass, as well as the leaves and Kanda has done some weeding. They make sure to turn the grass clippings – because Kanda said to do so – in together with some of the dried leaves and the weeds that they've got a good start to a composting heap.

Lavi disappears into the house, and comes out with some beers, handing one each to Alma and Kanda in turn. They lie out on the grass as it is not too short and still soft. The spring breeze is brisk, and there's still bite to it.

"It's a nice garden. You should put some flowers to border it. Get an apple tree planted in the corner."

"I dunno will I be able to put a little swing in it and have a sandbox as well as the flowers?"

"Kanda misses not having plants, since we live in an apartment." Alma adds in laughingly. "We have Krory though."

"Uhh who's Krory?" Lavi enquires, curiousity piqued.

"He's our pet Venus flytrap." Lavi shudders and hears the refrain of 'Feed me Seymour' in his head.

It really is nice just lying out in the sun on freshly mown grass with Alma and Lavi, with beers and talking about plants. Kanda likes it when the world plays nice for him. He closes his eyes and the talk flows. All too soon Alma nudges him, reminding that it is time they make tracks. Kanda groans about being comfortable, and his boyfriend says that he's only giving him a few minutes before he heads off home without him.

"C'mon Yuu, I'll give you a hand up." Lavi stands over him in shadow, because the sun sears directly behind. It looks like Lavi is luminescent, like those fireflies of long ago only brighter, more fiery and even in shadow, it is like his eye is deep and goes on forever in a trick of sunny afterimagery.

:~:~:~:

Lavi gets sent off on an overseas trip for his work sometime after Kanda's birthday. With Lenalee so far along, he takes a leave of absence at Lavi's behest – with Alma's blessings – in the Bookman household to stay with the girl. (Lenalee might be a woman on the verge of motherhood, but cannot help but see the little girl he knows with pigtails in her hair. He does not even want to go back to that day in kindergarten when she thought it might be a good idea if they both sported the same plaited do. Of course she had to tell that idiotic Rabbit later on, who took to sneaking up on him to plait his hair every chance he got.)

Lavi misses everyone and sends emails, text-messages, and even calls, when the times are anywhere near decent and he knows that she can answer. He sends postcards to everyone, Kanda knows because Daisya calls him up to tell him that the kids were all pleased as punch to receive them. Lavi also sends letters.

Lavi's letters are a thing of beauty. One of the reasons why he got those fountain pens for their wedding. It is like receiving something from a bygone era. The handwriting is neat. It is neater than you might imagine knowing Lavi. Kanda remembers the first time he saw it, he was truly surprised. Lavi explained that his grandfather had drilled into him the importance of fine penmanship. Bookman Senior elucidated that everything from correct posture, to the way you held your pen, the angle of the pen nib to the paper, even the angle in the crook of your arm and how you breathed was important to getting the writing correct.

Kanda can attest to this from the near tears Miss Galmar was brought to when Lavi handed in a literature essay all in longhand, not only was the essay perfect, but the writing was in her word 'flawless'. Kanda has proof of it now because the letter is a delight.

 _Dear Yuu,_

 _It must be warmer now and I hope that Lenalee is doing fine coping with the heat. I have written to her as well of course. She will kill me if I wrote to you and then not to her._

 _It is gorgeous out here Yuu. It's warm, but not unbearably so and dusty with sand. Everything shimmers gold with the hazy sunshine and the dust of the sand. The lotuses here are beautiful; blue and pink with their heady fragrance and the white ones that you love so much. Like the one that Tiedoll has in that Phimai Black stoneware jar with the fish._

 _You'll absolutely love the bazaars here too. You might hate the noise and the press of people but it's nothing like anywhere at home. But you should bring Alma here, he'd get giddy with it and you'd love that he loves it._

 _Well I should end it here, otherwise you might see me before this gets there._

 _Much Love_

 _Lavi XXX_

Kanda's eyes read not the words alone. He traces every curl and curve of the letters, the slight upstroke in the cross of each 't', the downward drop of all the dots of the 'i's' and the curious way Lavi writes the 'g's' and 'a's' – as if they were from an age long past; and – he looks at the way his name is written. ユウ

Lavi writes it in Katakana. The characters, are well formed, the lines perfectly horizontal and the curve is just right, not too deep nor shallow. Kanda imagines the words jumping off the paper as if they might be solid tangible things.

 _ps – Thanks so much for staying with my Lenalady, I owe (yet again.) Man, I love you_

It says right there at the end.

:~:~:~:

Lavi is still not home yet. There is more work and the people he works for must be heartless bastards because they know his wife is pregnant and they still will not let him come home. Kanda is keeping his anger in check for Lenalee's sake. Komui visits, but sometimes only just exacerbates the problem by threats of murder when 'that stupid boy comes back'. So he is banned until further notice. Lena cries and she is mopey and there is not a lot Kanda can do. He just wishes that his friend is here already, because Kanda does not deal well at all with tears.

Then it really does all go pear-shaped. Lenalee goes in for her regular checkup and the gynecologist tells her that amniotic fluid is too low, so they will monitor her over the next few days. It happens sometimes and the fluid level usually rises back up to the norm. Kanda is the one who drives her to and from her appointments. By the third day the levels don't come up and in fact it is getting dangerously low. There is a serious concern for the health of the baby.

"Never mind my brother, I'm going to fucking kill him when he gets home," Lenalee grits out between her teeth.

Just as she says this, the delivery room suite doors swing open and the man himself rushes in. At thirty-two weeks the foetus is fully formed, but there will still be health concerns. Due to the prematurity of the event, Lenalee cannot have the natural birth she wants to have so badly, had planned for and they even managed to squeeze in all the classes together. So she cries for a bit and then is her pragmatic self all over again. This baby is coming now and if she must have an emergency Caesarian, so be it.

On his way out to give them some privacy, Lavi makes a grab for Kanda in a hug and whispers, "Thank you, thank you, thanks Yuu, I'm so glad you're in my life."

:~:~:~:

"OH MY GOD! I'M A DAD!" Although euphoric, Lavi actually looks like he might keel over at the knees and be sick.

Lavi is shouting it out loud. Alma and Kanda try to shush him, but he's having none of it. He breaks out cigars he must have got from the airport on his way to the hospital. He says to them they don't have to smoke them, and he will kill anyone if he detects the slightest smell of nicotine on them and they come near his girl. This puts Allen out of the equation – since he hangs out with Tyki Mikk with his terrible habit. Lavi cedes that boy can come if he's washed and wears clean clothes and has not seen Mikk for at least three days.

Alma squeezes Kanda on the shoulder telling him that he's going home first and he'll catch up with everyone else later.

It's just Kanda and Lavi in the hospital corridor now and the sudden hush crashes down hard on them both. In a sudden movement, Lavi takes Kanda by the arm and leads him to the baby room. There are only three babies in there, and one of them has a label 'Bookman' on the side of the crib. Lavi probably doesn't notice but his hand rests warm and reassuring on Kanda.

"There she is," Bookman Junior whispers, rapt and drinking in the sight of his daughter, "the most perfect being in the universe."

:~:~:~:

Part 4

Kanda realizes that he's been lucky so far with where he stands with the redhead, but things truly change with the advent of the baby – of course it will. He does not expect anything less.

When they were growing up Lavi spent a lot of time at Tiedoll's to bother Kanda, every now and again Kanda would deign to spend time at the Bookman's. The old man – Lavi's grandfather – was congenial enough, but he could never shake the feeling of permanent scrutiny and there was that air of age and must about the place that made him uncomfortable. When the old man passed on, everything fell to Lavi and he managed well enough and at least he did not have to worry about having to buy a place of his own.

Over the years with Lenalee's influence, she slowly brightened the place up and Kanda has to hand it to her, with the unobtrusive and deft way she has of getting things her way. It is a beautiful home full of love and laughter, some craziness and pockets of tranquility.

Kanda actually takes it upon himself to ask Lenalee if they're allowed a boy's night out. Alma, surprising, begs off from any shenanigans the two biggest idiots he knows might get up to, when the lady gives them the greenlight. Saying something along the lines of being able to be the one Kanda can call on in case they get arrested. Alma knows that Kanda loves him, but also realizes that (even if the two idiots themselves do not) that there is a well of feeling the two have for each other.

Kanda is adamant that there will be no shenanigans and Lavi will return home safe and sound to wife and babe. There will be food and drink for sure, but he reckons that Lavi can do with some 'R & R' as the guy's feet probably haven't really touched ground yet since coming home, straight from the airport to the hospital and on through to fatherhood in one fell swoop. Kanda is right because Lavi is still juggling home and work and completely forgets about such an important thing like his own birthday.

"I don't think I should do this," Lavi is diffident and swivels his head from Lenalee to Kanda and back to his wife again.

"No you go I'll be fine." Lenalee practically pushes him out of the door, "besides Uncle Komui is coming to play with Anita right and won't that be fun?"

"Now I have your promise," she's all sharp and business and addresses them both, "no trouble ok?"

"Hand on heart, I promise not to get arrested or get myself killed." Lavi engulfs his wife and child in a hug, and kisses them both in turn on their cheeks.

"If there's any killing to be done, I'll do it."

"No Kanda I mean it." She moves to shut the door, "now go already!"

They're actually meeting Daisya - who scores a reprieve from fatherly duties for the evening - and Allen Walker who manages to abscond from the clutches of his own crazy family. Since the idea was Kanda's after all they let him choose the choice of food, thus finding them eating in a Japanese noodle bar was a foregone conclusion.

They go on to a pub, where they can put away the beers, catch up and be all manly together. Someone suggests they each line up shots to down, if they're caught mentioning children, football, wives or domesticity. After each have drunk two in quick succession they agree that it was a bad idea to begin with and clearly Allen is cheating because he can be tight-lipped about his family circumstances anyway and the nearest he has to knowing a child is Road; of course Allen is the designated driver since he does not do alcohol. That's definitely cheating, right there.

A few hours later and it is just Kanda and Lavi; Allen took Daisya home because he got hungry again and wanted some more food and would drop the soccer dad off home on the way.

Kanda decides that it's about the time he takes his friend home, because Lavi is beginning to babble nonsensical bullshit about being best friends forever, being there for each other forever and worse, being there for his family in case something happens to him and Kanda does not want to have this conversation at all. He might be slightly drunk, but no, he does not want to hear this at all. He came out to have fun after all, not to get maudlin and melancholic.

"Come on Rabbit, time to go home now." He's pulling the redhead along. God Lavi is bloody heavy.

"No, no, not yet," and the struggles are only halfhearted, "'t's'early yet." They're bumping shoulders under the streetlights, stumbling along in intoxicated lassitude. "I dun wanna go 'ome."

"I promised your good lady-wife that we would not get into trouble" Kanda counters equally indolent.

The babble goes on and Kanda switches off, it always ends this way, and why has he never noticed before. He guides Lavi along towards home as it isn't a great distance to walk. The autumn evening is balmy and he's actually enjoying the company; funny, idiotic, wistful, wry in turns, and it's a low stress situation he can cope with, not having to contribute too much. He knows though, how he does he's not sure, instinct or maybe a built-up aptitude for it over the years of friendship, but he knows that he is in turn appreciated too.

" .. knowIdon'tshowit'nuff." They're round the corner from the turn of the Bookman home, "ya know it right?" The man is almost drooling on his shoulder, with his arms draping across Kanda's shoulder, "Yuu, Yuu, you're too good t'me, luv ya, Yuu."

Kanda chooses to ignore that last as they go up the path towards the front door, glad for the presence of mind to take the keys off Lavi before they started the evening. He maneuvers Lavi, still so goddamned heavy, onto the patio swing. He dithers a little before deciding that the redhead can survive a night on the porch, he looks around and finds the cushion and coverlet he knows lies in a little corner cupboard. He ensures as best he can that Lavi (hopefully) won't wake up with too bad of a nasty crick in his neck and not get a chill. He does all this partly because, the bumping and the noise he will undoubtedly make if he tries to get his friend into the house. After settling 'Sleeping Beauty', and putting the keys back in Lavi's shirt pocket, Kanda ruffles the red mane and then pats him gently on the head.

"Good night Rabbit." He sighs into the night air and starts the long walk home, alone.

From their apartment window Alma keeps a lookout for Kanda.

He knows beforehand (more or less) how the evening will play out. He isn't worried, because Kanda can take care of himself and those he might call friends. He just does. Alma was prone to jealousy where Lavi is concerned, but that was a long time ago now and concedes now as then that he never had a right to be.

Alma was not around when Kanda met Lavi. Kanda and Alma grew up together. The Changs lived next door to Tiedoll, Bak, Alma's older brother and their father and mother Edgar and Twi Chang. They lost their parents when Bak was in his teens and Alma was just six. Bak had difficulty managing on his own and having to look after a wee one as well. Alma – at an age full of nervous energy and not understanding the sudden absence of his parents, hit out and lashed out at everyone and once during a particularly bad episode, came to blows with Kanda. They bruised each other badly and gave each other bloody noses.

Bak stole away into the night with Alma in tow, and only called Tiedoll later to explain the hurried getaway. Tiedoll stressed that there was nothing to forgive and that boys will be boys but Bak who would have none of it said that it would be better this way. He promised that they'd come back as soon as they were able to. Kanda – to his six year old eyes – felt that he was to blame for chasing his friend away; nursed an unaccountable ache in his heart throughout his childhood and the sullenness stayed.

Kanda uses the childish bitterness to hide behind a reluctance to make friends that 'will go away' and thus it was so when Lavi says that first 'Hello'. Lavi, however is equally persistent in his teenage desire to be friends, even when all signals tell him 'No' – that this is a no-go zone. Especially, when everything is telling him not to go there, he wants to even more.

So they have at each other, pushing, pulling and everything else in between and the results are sometimes not pretty, and eventually, Kanda admits defeat and tolerates the presence of the idiot that will not go away. He guesses at least if he just acknowledges this one as an idiot and not a friend it's no loss if he goes away too, just like Alma did.

Except one day Alma comes back.

The Chang's property was never sold, and one day the moving vans came to drop off furniture and assorted bric-a-brac. Kanda wonders what the new people will be like, but doesn't wonder too hard because it'll most like be people he cannot stand, just like that redhead who's taken to coming round every now and again. But it's ok, because Kanda finds him useful for cribbing homework off.

Kanda sees a familiar figure. Or rather how he imagines Alma must be by now. They are not six, and his heart does a lurch-twist-and-drop; because it cannot be. He breathes out very slowly, stands up –not noticing that his chair falls over and like an automaton walks over outside towards the figure, standing on the path of the house next door with arms folded and a thoughtful gaze observing the movers at their work.

Kanda does not notice either the silent figure that shadows his footsteps – or rather completely forgets about him; this one observing with his own thoughtful gaze upon the unfolding scenario hiding from sight in the doorway.

"Alma…?" Kanda is hesitant, not trusting himself to speak.

The unknown figure does a slow turnaround, and Alma now is breathtaking. Or at least Kanda thinks so, because it seems that Alma shines, it's a little blinding almost, but the ache in his heart suddenly fills to burst and he is angry, so angry, all bottled up inside and it breaks. Kanda does not understand how or why; he does not care either – except that that anger spills into a happiness that his friend is home, at last. And they will fight all over again about nothing but know it's going to be fine between them because they are together again.

"Yu-u." The voice is low, but soft, and enticing and sounds like the world just opens up for Kanda.

Alma had spotted Lavi then but waits till they're properly introduced much later, and there is a strange standoffishness between the 'new' best friend and the 'long-lost' friend that neither ever ascertained that Kanda ignores or is simply oblivious to.

Eventually Alma learns to trust the fact that Kanda loves him, and learns to trust that Lavi has Kanda's happiness at heart. Even now, Alma knows that this deep abiding feeling that Kanda and Lavi have between them is not the kind of love that Alma and Kanda have, or that which Lavi and Lenalee have. It's just one of those rare, connections two people make that is simply a special gift. Alma has an inkling that deep down Lavi is aware of it, but Kanda has still to be enlightened.

From their apartment window Alma gives a wave. Kanda is home.

:~:~:~:

Anita is three now, and a joy to both her parents, and she has aunts and uncles who all dote on her. Yet sometimes even with all the love a home can have, even with all the best intentions, things can fall apart. This evening Kanda finds himself running intervention and it might actually be the first time that they have ever lost their tempers with one another.

Thankfully, Lenalee has taken herself and Anita off to stay with Klaud Nyne, a senior of hers from high school that she is close to. Lenalee chooses her over Komui, displeasing her brother to the utmost. The man's sister complex is amped up higher now that he sees it as his job to protect the two womenfolk in his life thus the potency to make matters worse.

"What's up with you idiot," Kanda is doing his level best not to lose it immediately. After all there are two sides to every story and wants to hear what his friend has to say for himself.

Lenalee has been gone for three days and it shows. The kitchen sink has dirty dishes in it; takeaway cartons litter the surface of the counter tops. Although the living spaces are still clean, Kanda hasn't gone upstairs to see how bad things are, though he noticed on his way in the Lavi's workspace and his bureau seems to be the eye of the storm. Files, crushed paper, old manuscripts, and books stacked in piles some leaning, threatening to tip over. All the evidence points to how jittery and in precarious predicament his friend seems to be.

"What is it work?" It usually is and though he doesn't want to, asks it anyway, "Another woman?"

"What?!" At least that gets his attention. Lavi looks up at him fire in his eye, "No, not that, never that."

"Look at you! Look at this place. It's a fucking mess. Your life's just about salvageable now, and you had better think about pulling yourself out of this …" Kanda struggles for words, " …this hole." Kanda actually has never seen this Lavi since the old man died. And perhaps it is work after all.

The Bookmen keep records, they did ledgers, and logged history; Bookman's business is information. Or so that's what he's garnered from a whole lifetime of knowing this one person, which Kanda supposes isn't much, considering he's known this man since they were high schoolers together. Kanda isn't one to pry, but still maybe he ought to have asked, or dug deeper, and then maybe he can, or could've helped before it came to this. Maybe he still can. He is willing to try – Lavi isn't the only one who can be persistent, he can be pretty bulldogged too.

"It ... is. It is the work Yuu." Lavi looks at him and thinks that maybe he can unload it all here. But, can he; tell Yuu everything? Will he understand?

Everything building up since they moved here all those years ago. It seemed a good idea to his grandfather then. But the old man died when his apprentice was still too young to take up the reins and with no one to guide him, Lavi'd been fumbling around in the dark. Subsequently he did find his way and took to his responsibilities accordingly. Lvellie who oversaw all the work he did was an utter bastard and heartless to boot; and more suited to this job than him, and he did try to break free. But the man refused to let him go.

With Anita around now there'd been noises that they wanted him to train her too. He's been keeping all this from Lenalee, because she will not want it for her daughter. He doesn't want it for his daughter either. At three she was still too young and having been doing this his whole life, Lavi thinks any age will be too young for this and he has a chance to nip this in the bud. But he doesn't know how.

It had started off with little things, doing as much as he can at work first of all. Then the work got too much and it was other trifling details that got to him, and he does not openly discuss work all the time with Lenalee, he does talk to her about what little he can share. But he began to cut her off and that's when it started to snowball out of hand. What is he supposed to say? Can he calmly inform his loved ones his whole life has been a lie. Falling in love, and having a family. That was what his grandfather told him. But things changed somehow, when he crashed into that horrible and unfriendly dark-haired teenager, who somehow tethered him to a world so real, he didn't know what to do with it all.

Lavi remembers the argument he put forth to his grandfather, challenging then as he so much wants to challenge him now – even if he is long past hearing. The old man was his grandfather so that means he started a family too, so Bookman Senior, must have known love too. He just got so old, and lost everything that it must have been easier to forget. He only had Lavi and though he must have loved the boy too, he started to train him in the ways of being Bookman.

Lavi remembers nothing of his parents; they died when he was very young, in a car accident. He was with them but was thrown from the car and it is how he lost his eye. There are photos, but Bookman was sparse with any forthcoming stories about them. He only told Lavi once that his son, Lavi's father was useless at being a Bookman as he was too much of a dreamer. Lavi was precious to his grandfather, from an early age demonstrated a willingness to sit still and listen to lessons, pick apart the old man's rhetoric and actively participated in discourse on anything that took his fancy. He was a marvel due to his proclivity towards learning and later when they discovered that Lavi was gifted – or cursed – with perfect recall, an eidetic memory. Ironic that he cannot remember much from before the accident, and hence Bookman thought it best to spare the boy heartache from any memories.

Having got this far in life, with all the memories he has amassed; all the heartache, all the joy. Lavi thinks the Bookmen need to having more heart in their work. Keeping up a permanent disconnect is too much to bear for one person.

He's been in discussion, and many arguments with Lvellie about this. Lavi knows though the way forward will be difficult and any new methods will be difficult to implement and they need new blood and there's the rub, he doesn't want the new blood to be literal.

New blood does not mean sacrificing up his daughter to be trained in the ways of the Bookmen. He wants new people that he can train, so that the burden can be spread out and that the way of the Bookmen doesn't have to trickle down to one last line. He was junior at the time when Bookman had been at his peak Lvellie had always called him the Second. With the nitty gritty of this new training project becoming reality, the new Bookman in training will be called the Third Programme and Lvellie informed him that he has several candidates lined up for the interview and selection process. Lavi personally dislikes the way Lvellie has used the term 'test subject' on these poor unfortunate souls.

Hence the working non-stop, thus the blue-arsedflyness and everything else compounded one on top of another till it came to a head and like so long ago when it had merely been the fact that he couldn't seem to drop his dirty things into the laundry basket proper, they had an argument. Lenalee couldn't seem to understand and hells, he really didn't want her to completely understand, and of course when you're only at half-truths (and Lenalee can detect these from a mile) is when things start tumbling down like one of Anita's Duplo towers built too high.

And oh he wants to unload it all on Kanda, his friend wants so much to understand, but these are concerns he has to hold close to his chest. He hopes he hopes that Kanda will accept there is more to this than just Bookman matters but that's an aside that Lavi doesn't want to deal with either.

"It ... is. It is the work Yuu." Lavi repeats it weakly, and it sounds pathetic in his ears.

With movement too fast to track, the sound of splintering glass jars his train of thought. Kanda sweeps everything from the countertop in anger, and there must have been a glass hiding under the debris of takeaways.

"Don't you dare shut me out!" Kanda moves again, this time grabbing the redhead by the lapels and shoves him against the kitchen door, which in turn slams onto the wall. "You hold on too strongly that eventually when the situation starts to slip, through your fingers, you don't fight, you just let go."

"Tch," Kanda lets go as well, "I don't really want to do this either."

"I just want you – you and Lenalee and your girl," Kanda says deflating somewhat, "I just want you to be happy." With shards of broken glass littering the floor, Kanda refuses to say anything more.

:~:~:~:

"I just want you to be happy." Lavi stops to think and almost forgets to breathe, because it sounds so faint, it sounds so very far away. But it echoes and bounces inside the walls of his mind – the words that Kanda utters.

:~:~:~:

With no space left between them, their foreheads are almost touching, but Lavi is slightly taller, there is aught that either can say. They have been few moments in their lives that they have never been more tuned in to each other. It isn't a war of wills, it isn't a play for power but it's a fathomless reach, Cimmerian night searching in smaragdine depths, hoping to see dawn. It is but a minute stretch of space, but it seems enough – for the two of them.

:~:~:~:

A sudden crack of thunder jolts them both and Lavi inadvertently jumps. Kanda's body reacts instinctively reassuring with arms around his friend. With the spell broken, the awkwardness asserts a jumpy truce it is Kanda that breaks the silence.

"Tch," again and he laughs uneasily, "I didn't know you were scared of thunderstorms."

"I'm not you dolt." Lavi refuses to let go for the moment. He squeezes back with genuine feeling that both can feel. Lavi hugs his friend and holds him close.

:~:~:~:

Part 5

:~:~:~:

"I'm sorry," Lavi sniffs over Kanda's shoulder.

"You had better not be crying snotty-nosed," Kanda grumbles from somewhere under the tangle of red and dark hair.

"Mfm nope," Lavi sniffs some more.

"Well…

"What?" The question comes out muffled against their hair.

"Unhand me then you idiot!" Kanda starts to laugh. "Unhand me and we better tidy up the place or your wife will just come back and kill you and then I still have to clean up the mess."

"Yeah, yeah" as Lavi lets go. "Yeah we better huh?" He blinks owlishly, as if just noticing the squalor he's been living in. Then he starts to laugh too suffusing the tension.

:~:~:~:

In the way that life is funny with the curve balls it likes to throw at them, it about-faces and this time it is Kanda and Alma that are fighting. Lavi is the one trying to patch things up between them. He guesses it's only fair after all.

As with all domestic quarrels, no one is sure what starts it off but Lavi knows from experience that this is just one of life's deals. It's a natural progression of things, a way to air things, a reset button, sometimes even better than taking a holiday. Kanda has the door shut, he isn't letting anyone in and he is sulking. Lavi knows that this will blow over, because Alma and Kanda argue a lot; over little things and over big things. The thing is, Lavi reckons is that both feel so intensely that every now and again the emotions just bubble over and explode and then, when the lava has run its course and cooled, they can find it in themselves to forgive each other and love each other all over again. It is just the way they love. It's quite a lot different to how him and Lenalee work (thank the gods) – but it is still love.

"C'mon man, open up." Lavi pleads with him through the closed door. He is sure his knuckles are going to be sore the next day from all this rapping. "Don't you want to talk it over with Alma?"

"NO." Okay that was quite firm and resolute, so this might take some time. Lavi sighs with longanimity. "Yu-u come on, how 'bout just lettin' me in?"

"NO. And it's because you're on HIS side."

"I'm not on anyone's side."

"No."

"Yu-u really, please just come out." His voice has gone soft with pleading, "I just want you to be happy."

Kanda hears the words, muffled from the other side of the door. Alma, who stands behind Lavi, is probably the only other one who notices how the words come out. Lavi, remains clueless and because he really does want Kanda to be happy.

"Hey Yuu." Alma is smiling apologetically over Lavi's shoulder when the door eventually opens a sliver. "What say we kiss and make up and let Red go home?"

"Tch." Both of them take this as assent.

:~:~:~:

It's long past midnight and Alma and Kanda are in a diner, because Alma wants pancakes and Kanda cannot sleep. Kanda will not drink any, but he orders the coffee anyway, he feels bad for taking up customer space – even if it is ass o'clock and it's doubtful the place will suddenly get overrun by other walk-ins.

They're just talking and laughing and the radio is on, over the airwaves – someone is reading poetry with a guitar playing in the background. Neither of them pays much attention, but some of stanzas give Kanda cause to pause and he absentmindedly half-listens, because poetry is not his thing. Still it is pretty.

-x-

"When you said 'Hello'

I thought I heard something

Voice hoarse from screams

I thought I heard it silent

Over a brew at teatime

I thought I heard it silent

Still – in a bar, over a beer.

-x-

With sunlight in your hair

I hear it softly, softly

In your "Thank you" and

The way you say "I'm sorry"

In your laughter, and

You're baking cookies

I think I hear it again

-x-

With a breathless gasp

I nearly ask,

When we're lying on Spring's grass

I think of other ways I may ask

Perhaps in a letter, or softly, softly

Whisper in your ear

Would you hear?

-x-

Sometimes I think I hear something

In the loud senseless babble

Of everyday things,

When sound shatters like broken glass

From far away and

There's no space between us

Except silence, and inside there is a storm

And I'd call it a song''

-x-

Kanda shrugs and thinks absentmindedly it might actually be a decent piece, but it doesn't make any sense, thus re-iterating (to himself) that he isn't one for poetry, so who is he to judge it. Listeners must just send shit in and the radio station reads them out when they think nobody is truly listening, and they're probably right.

"A penny for 'em," Alma asks him. "You're like a million miles away man."

"Sorry, sorry," He smiles back and they link hands and its warm and it feels so good. "Are we ready to go?"

"Yeah, lets." Alma beams back at Kanda. "Let's go home."

:~:~:~:

Kanda lies in bed and he has an arm slung over Alma's chest, and it's not a position he can hold for too long, eventually he turns over stretches languidly and closes his eyes to settle himself to sleep. He settles for slipping his hand over Alma's by his side and smiles into the night.

He finds that his mind wanders, lucid, neither dreaming nor fully asleep. He thinks about the many times they've said 'I love you' to each other. He's not one for public displays of affection. He hopes that the people know that he shows love in his own ways, and they ought to know by now he doesn't like to say it. It is like saying 'sorry'. Love and being sorry, they're hard to do. He just cannot. He wishes it was any other way, but he can't and he wonders how Alma can say it with all he's gone through, and how he can say 'sorry' too. Alma had said 'I love you' with his mouthful of pancake, crumbs flecking his lips and a smear of syrup across his cheek. He did look quite adorable, Kanda remembers smiling back, wiping the smear off with a thumb, and called him silly.

That is what he does.

Kanda wonders if he can say 'I love you' and mean it. To anyone at all.

:~:~:~:

"I love you," Kanda mumbles just as he drifts off to sleep blissfully unaware that he's said anything at all.

:~:~:~:

Part 6

Kanda is sick. Normally he can deal with it, or Alma will look after him. However, Alma and Bak are somewhere on the other side of the world looking after Old Man Zhu. In this case, Lavi steps in.

Lavi makes him soup, gives him his fever meds and while the redhead has no clue on how to make soba, he does know how to cook the ones that come in packets and make a decent broth to go with it. The broth was something Lenalee showed him how to cook when Anita was sick. When he's ready for it, Lavi makes Kanda light toast. Lavi is very attentive and gives Kanda dilute juices and rosehip and chamomile tea.

The first couple of days Lavi does not get much sleep because the fever is quite high and he's perpetually wringing out the towel he uses to sponge Kanda down. By the third morning Kanda manages – with Lavi's help – to have a shower. While he's showering, his friend kindly strips the bedlinen and makes the bed with a clean set as well as putting out some clean clothes.

Kanda doesn't expect it but the shower exhausts him and when he sees Lavi collapsed in the armchair, he simply climbs back into bed and goes back to sleep too. He's shaken gently awake some hours later.

"Hey buddy," I've brought you some soup and bread.

Groggy, he rubs the sleep from his eyes and takes the tray gratefully. Lavi sits in a chair next to the bedside watching him eat.

"You think you can manage by yourself yet?"

Kanda sets aside the bread, but picks up the bowl and drinks the soup down. He then takes a few sips of water and looks over to his friend. He must still be sick because he just looks and cannot seem to think or say anything. Lavi picks up the tray and takes it to the kitchen. Kanda can hear the tap running and then silence. Lavi comes back and he's got his jacket on ready to leave.

"Ok Yuu," he pats Kanda on the head, "I'll see you tomorrow ok?" He turns to leave but there's a weak pull on his coat sleeve and fingers scrabble at his elbow.

"Don't…" Kanda's voice is hoarse, his lips are chapped and slightly dry, "go." He says quiet and gravelly "Not yet please."

:~:~:~:

Lavi puts his cool hand over Kanda's fever tinged, grasps it firmly then smiles.

They spend the rest of the day in comfortable silence. Lavi reads, and Kanda dozes, they eat a meal of oat porridge that Lavi makes. Lavi makes an update call to Lenalee.

"Sorry hun, I think he wants me to stay another evening is that ok?" There is chatter on Lenalee's side and then, "Thanks Lena – give Anita a big hug and kiss from Daddy ok?"

Kanda must be better because they're watching TV, when Yuu gets sent off to bed and he argues, starting their friendly bickering.

"What? Am I five?"

"Well you're pouting and sullen," Lavi starts to say, "If you want…" With a taunt and a raised eyebrow and a grin bubbling at his lips, "I can even tuck you into bed and read you a bedtime story too if Yuu's a good little boy."

:~:~:~:

"You would, would ya?"

"Yep."

"Over my dead body."

"Well if you don't go to bed you might collapse," Lavi wrinkles his nose at this unsavoury thought. "I don't really want to explain 'that' to Alma. He might actually kill me."

:~:~:~:

"C'mon Yuu," Lavi stands up waggles his fingers at him. "C'mon, I'll help you get back into bed."

"Ok, quit nagging but I can go on my own."

Lavi busies himself in the kitchen and by the time he gently knocks on the bedroom door with a steaming mug, Kanda has already brushed his teeth and has settled himself into bed. Lavi makes to set the mug on the bedside table but Kanda gestures at it, so Lavi hands it carefully over.

"It's hot honeyed lemon water," Lavi explains. "Let it cool a bit before you drink it ok."

The ceramic warms Kanda's fingers and palms, he fu-fu's gently over it before taking a tentative sip; then sips again. The mere action is cathartic and Kanda yawns, perhaps Lavi is right after all. He should sleep.

"Better?"

"Yes, much. Thanks."

"You sleep ok, I'll let myself out." Lavi squeezes Kanda on the shoulder affectionately. "Goodnight Yuu."

:~:~:~:

Kanda rewraps the lurid orange scarf that Lavi left for him round his neck and mumbles quick and softly – asleep before his eyes shut.

"Goodnight Rabbit," his throat does not hurt any more, his face begins to cool as the last of the fever leaves and he sleeps a sleep that is deep and dreamless, yet restful.

:~:~:~:

Author's Notes:

Uhmm.. I turned Krory into a plant, I'm sorry.

And Lavi inadvertently became a Second.

If you've got this far, thank you for reading. - Love Zan

-ps- ff eats formatting and line breaks for any attempts at poetry so yeah '-x-' is just a line break between the verses in that little bit of poetry there. Ugh 'Shakes fist at ff'.


	3. Chapter 3

Part 7

:~:~:~:

Kanda wakes up the next day and he literally does feel like a new man. Like he died and was brought back to life again. He has an odd thought about the lotus they had at home that Tiedoll kept in that large rainwater stoneware jar he brought back from Thailand; how the lotus closes up at night and re-emerges in the morning and blooms again. Fancy that – a pure and clean rewind.

:~:~:~:

He realizes it for what it is, but does not dare speak of it – after all who can he talk to about it. He believes that what he has is enough, he is blessed with the life he's gifted with – and that is enough.

In his heart, he is light.

:~:~:~:

He notices a yellow square on the fridge door that is new.

 _ユウ_ _,_

 _Got you some more OJ,_

 _Drink it OK_

 _Love XXX Lavi_

There, there it is again.

:~:~:~:

.

Kanda gets the call from Alma when he's at work one day. He rushes like Lavi must have when Anita was about to be born. When he reaches the waiting room; Komui is with Anita, she is nearly eight now and Alma.

On their way home from the supermarket; they weren't even far from home, they were nearly there – Lavi had swerved suddenly to avoid a child who'd run suddenly into the road, too late to see the oncoming truck. The truck driver tried to stop and had slammed on the brakes but he was carrying a heavy load so even with the stop, the momentum caused him to collide with their car.

No one else was hurt but Kanda does care and is so very angry with the world right now, he wants to shake his fist at it, a useless gesture and he knows it. He wants to scream, but remains frozen. There is no justice in this world, just a twisted idea of history repeating itself. A car accident took Lavi's parents away and now it's happening to Anita, to Komui and to him. Kanda looks over at Anita and wonder how she's coping. Komui is holding her tight at the moment, but she's so very good (in the way of Lenalee) and lets her uncle hold on to her. Each anchoring each other, so that the grief will not pull them under.

Lenalee has called for Komui and Anita, and then sends Komui out. Kanda asks if he will be allowed to speak to her, but at the moment it's next-of-kin only. What about Lavi? Anita is his next-of-kin.

"Kanda Yuu? Is there a Kanda Yuu?"

"Yeah that'd be me." Kanda looks up at the nurse.

"Mr. Bookman is asking for you."

Kanda follows the nurse to the room and then leaves them quietly. He doesn't actually look too bad, except for bruising and cuts, although he doesn't have the first clue of what might or might not be bad. There are tubes monitoring him and they beep, there are a couple more intravenous tubes – but he has no idea what they are for either. To all intents and purposes he looks like he might be asleep. Kanda walks silently towards the bed and lowers himself into the visitors' chair.

"Sorry Yuu …" the voice is discordant with how he knows it should be. He looks up and Lavi reminds him of the teen he once met, and suddenly he is very afraid. He does not want to move forward in time, but time is still moving.

"I'm being troublesome again," crackly Lavi presses on nevertheless, "really sorry mate."

Kanda is speechless; he could call him an idiot, rant and rail at him for causing trouble. There are so many things he wants to say to the man in front of him, but his mind is blank. He doesn't know what to say.

"So," Lavi looks at him pleadingly, "tell me the truth ok, because no one else is." He is struggling for breath a little. "Lenalee, is she… is she ok?"

Kanda is surprised that his eyes prickle a little. He wants to … he doesn't know what he wants either. But he's of the firm belief that if it was him he would want to know.

"They've not let me in to see her. Komui and Anita were with her when I left." Kanda's voice almost breaks, but he manages to hold it together for the moment. "I think it's pretty serious, but I don't know."

"Thanks Yuu" and Lavi breathes out a shaky sigh. "Look after her ok? Don't let Komui rule her too much." Lavi's breathing gets a little faster and shallow.

"Shh..." Kanda's hand finds Lavi's fingers on the side of the bed and he grips them. "Don't talk." He wants to admonish him like he normally does, he wants to shout at him, "Shut up you stupid Rabbit," just like he does all the time – but he can't not this time.

"Yuu, Yuu- Yu-u," the idiot is almost chanting his name, he cannot believe it. "Don't look so sad Yuu."

"YU-u, I'm sorry," Lavi says, so softly apologetic and voice so weak, "I wanted us to do everything together." He breathes in and breathes out, "I wanted to grow old and crotchety with each other," and the rattle in his breath, is a poor attempt at laughter. Kanda squeezes his eyes shut hurriedly wipes at them with the back of his free hand.

"Aha-…" Lavi breathes in, breathes out, "…ha-ha. You were so angry when we first met, do you remember?" Kanda snorts, the idiot, yes of course he does, as if he could ever forget.

"Yu-u, I got the jump on this though." What… the idiot is absolutely not, not saying goodbye and he is not saying it like this because Kanda does not want to say goodbye either. Not like this. Their fingers grip each other's in desperation, Lavi does not want to say goodbye either, but he knows he has too.

.

:~:~:~:

.

"Yuu," Kanda looks up and looks at Lavi, and he remembers that time they fought – over nothing, now it seems – and they were being idiots and he can see forever in those eyes and he doesn't know what Lavi sees, but he thinks that it cannot be bad because he stuck around for so long. "Yuu do me a favour…"

"Yuu-," the man is smiling and they might both be tearing, but Kanda nods dumbly anyways. "Smile when you find me again."

His fingers are still gripped onto Lavi's fingers when the monitors go, the beeps become a long incessant buzz, and someone leads him outside and deposits him in a chair somewhere. There is a rush of personnel and they buzz around him and it's like he's underwater and there're voices, and there are words but nothing makes sense.

Nothing makes sense at all. Except with a sudden clarity, he knows. He knows that Lavi understood and knew, and bittersweet mixes in with the sadness - for the tiny joy that they both understood each other. They accepted the deep well of friendship and love they had for each other. A lifetime of memories filled with shared moments, each a wondrous and precious reminder that love lives in the gestures and not always shouted from rooftops.

.

:~:~:~:

Epilogue

.

When he gets downstairs, everyone has tea. "Coffee, she always made me coffee," – are the small mumbles from the lank-haired man.

"I know, and no one can make it like she did, so I've made tea alright." Bak offers up, softly chiding, and there is no bite in his words.

"Komui, you cannot carry on like this, it's been months." Kanda starts firmly but gently. "You need to get yourself together if not for yourself, but for her sake." Everyone looks up at the ceiling as if they are able to see through it right on through to the sleeping babe in the cot upstairs. "I've decided that Alma and I can take over for a bit, and you need to take yourself …"

"Where, where do you suggest I go?" Komui grits out through closed teeth. "What do you suggest I do? Therapy? Go on a holiday? You think you have all the answers don't you Mr. Smarty pants but you don't – no one does!" He ends with an almost plea. "No one has any answers."

"No of course I don't have any answers." Kanda tries to reason, but he knows the one with all the reasoning isn't here. Not anymore. "But yes - therapy or counselling. I think it might help." This is his answer. It is not the best by far, but at this point it is all that he does have.

In the end, Bak manages to pack a small suitcase of things for Komui, and takes him to his apartment. The arrangement is to let Komui stay over until he is ready to take on the responsibility that is his as the child's uncle, and only blood relative. Bak reckons that the first step will be to try and coax Komui back to their work and then he can gauge if the bonds that Komui does have with the living and most importantly HER, will be enough to bring him out of his mourning.

Meanwhile Kanda and Alma will take it upon themselves to look after Anita. To Kanda she embodies the spirit of his best friend. She is his only connection left to the man who put sunshine in Kanda's world, and perhaps helped with him forgiving Alma's absence somewhat. Kanda knows firsthand that tragedy or heartbreak not tempered by love and hope – two things that most will not give him credit with any knowledge of – can seed bitterness.

.

… ~ Several Years later ~ …

.

"Uncle Yu-UUU!" Ugh, can that girl not screech so loud, he might be older than her but he's not deaf. Anita is a teenager now. About the same age he met her father.

He can see her wave so he waves back. He walks briskly over to her. When he gets near her, she grabs his hand and tries to hurry him as well. She looks sideways at him sheepish. She might look like Lenalee, but there are the little things that she does is 100% Idiot Rabbit. He can think this now without too much of an ache in his chest. (And of course he's smart enough to never tell anyone that, except he's certain that Alma knows what he thinks.)

She's pulling at him, and in this press of people he doesn't want to lose her so he grips her hand tight, hoping he's not hurting her. His focus is so intent on her that he isn't looking where he's going anymore and he bumps shoulders into someone, and accidentally releases her hand. But she's ok, she manages to get out of the crowd and he can see her waiting for him.

He's about to curse, and grumble and suddenly all he hears is in hi head are those words, again, "Smile when you see me again", and for whatever reason aims for stoic silence.

"O hey, I'm sorry, my bad, are you ok?"

… Kanda remembers starkly the day they met that first time.

.

:~:~:~:

.

FIN

.

:~:~:~:

Notes:

If you've got to this end. Thank you for giving it a chance.

Once again thank you very much for reading. As ever, any con-crit, or anything really do say - Love Zan

\- ps - I am never Killing Lavi off again ... that was just too hard to do, although mild probably by a lot of other people's standard. This is just me.


End file.
